Out of Tune: Why Your Past Doesn't Get to Write Your Song

In high school, my dad taught me to play the guitar. He has many strengths, but singing on key isn’t one of them. We started with a hymn he was familiar with, but I wasn’t. I struggled through making each chord every time the key would change, and after much practice, I nailed it! 

Kidding—I don’t think “nailed it” was ever appropriate language for my guitar skills.

Anyway, one day at church, we actually sang the hymn he had taught me. And wow!! We were soooo off. Like, "Are these even the same songs?" off!
True, hilarious story.

Had that hymn—beautiful as it was meant to be—become the standard by which I measured all music, I would’ve lived with a very skewed sense of harmony. This funny story reminds me of something really sad I see so often in counseling: painful or confusing past experiences tend to become the standard we measure ourselves by—defining our worth, shaping our identity, and distorting the truth of who we really are.We take moments of trauma, rejection, failure, or abuse—things that were painfully out of tune with truth—and let them define the entire song of who we are. We build identities around what went wrong, instead of what is actually true.

Common Lies We Believe

Here are some very common examples of lies people believe:

•  💔 Lies About Self-Worth
  - I’m not good enough.
  - I don’t matter.
  - I’m broken/damaged goods.
  - If people really knew me, they’d leave.
  - I’ll never be truly loved.
• 🧠 Lies About Responsibility
  - It was my fault.
  - I should’ve stopped it.
  - I deserved it.
  - I’m the problem.
•  😨 Lies About Safety and Control
  - I can’t trust anyone.
  - The world isn’t safe.
  - I have to control everything to stay safe.
  - If I let my guard down, I’ll get hurt again.
•  😞 Lies About Emotions
  - My feelings are too much.
  - I’m too sensitive or dramatic.
  - I shouldn’t cry or show weakness.
  - Being angry means I’m just like them.
•  🔄 Lies That Fuel Cycles
  - People will always hurt me.
  - This is just how relationships work.
  - Healing isn’t possible for someone like me.
  - I’ll mess up my kids like I was messed up.

Here’s the thing to remember: these are lies!

If your past is impacting your present, it’s time to confront those lies and retune your brain to what is actually true. It makes sense that big life events would shape our thinking, but it’s worth checking whether that thinking is even in tune.

How to Start Retuning Your Mind

Changing the way we think is no small job.
Remember: just because you think it, doesn’t mean it’s true.
Intentional awareness and discernment are part of the thought-changing process.

Here’s a simple way to start:

1. Notice Your Thoughts
Sometimes our thoughts sneak out in our words, but the deep ones—the ones that hit us at our core—we have to slow down and listen for these.
When your mood shifts, that's your cue: pay attention to what you’re saying to yourself.

 2. Hold Your Thoughts Up to the Light
When you notice a thought, ask:
- Is this true?
- Am I 100% sure it’s true?

(Dr. Daniel Amen uses these questions in his children's book  to confront negative thought patterns: Captain Snout and the Super Power Questions.)

If anything is going to impact your view of yourself, your mood, and your behavior, let it be truth, not lies.

3. Replace Lies with Truth
Once you catch a lie, don’t just sit there staring at it.
Replace it with what is true.

Real-Life Example

Let’s say you’re doing something that feels particularly challenging.
You notice frustration and hopelessness creeping in.
That’s your moment to pause and ask: What’s going through my mind right now?

Maybe you hear:
- "I’m so stupid."
- "Someone else could figure this out much quicker."
- "I’ll never get this."

This is when you hold those thoughts up to the light:
- Are you really stupid just because something new is challenging? (Spoiler: Nope. You’re human.)
- Can you actually know who would figure this out faster? (Nope. And comparison never helps.)
- Will you never get it? (Unlikely. You might need more time, a different strategy, or some help—but it’s rarely impossible.)

See how shifting your thoughts, even in a small frustrating moment, can completely change the tone of your day—and the tune of your mind? Also try to notice how often our "out of tune" thoughts impacts us on the daily! 

Tuning Your Life to Truth

You don’t have to keep singing songs that were out of tune to begin with.

You are not the worst thing that ever happened to you.
You are not the sum total of what they said or what they did.
You are not broken beyond repair.

You are fully seen and deeply loved! 

You were made for music that’s full of beauty, strength, and freedom.
And maybe today, it's time to put down the broken chords of shame and fear,
and pick up the true song He’s been singing over you all along.

 “The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in His love He will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.” (Zephaniah 3:17)

The past doesn’t get to write your song anymore.
Truth does. And it’s a beautiful one.

-Christine Varnado, LPC-S